I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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