you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
