I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
