she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
