My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
