Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we're so committed to being not committed
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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