I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Only a mothe r could love this liver
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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