This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's official drugs can't kill me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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