Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize