forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
