you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
