70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
