I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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