i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
