i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
