CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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