My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
