I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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