A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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