Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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