Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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