well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
