I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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