remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
