the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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