also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
