when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
