just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
