My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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