Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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