i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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