i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
