who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
