I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
