It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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