Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
