why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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