corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
