You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
