omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
