lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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