he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
