She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize