That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
