I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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