it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
