why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
