I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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