I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
