Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
