I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
