Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
