Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
