i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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