I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize