I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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