Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
