I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize